So I'm back to feeling crappy.

 

Dan is in California and Garrett is here.

I feel really temporary here. I hate this whole college thing. I don't know where I'm going yet and its horrible.

If I go to Vandy, its totally pointless being involved with Dan at all. Not that we are involved since hes already 2000 miles away. Who knows how I even feel about him anymore? Its hard to say when all we do is fight and such.

And garrett? He thinks I'm playing him. Maybe I am. Maybe I like the attention or something? But I don't actually know. I really care about garrett. I love being with him. When I'm not with him, I'm usually texting him. Its nice to come home, call him and be able to talk to someone who actually cares about my day. But I haven't done that for two days being my idiodicy gets in the way.

I can't tell him what I need to tell him. But, I'm not even sure what I need to tell him. Basically I don't know anything.

The deal is.. I don't know if I can say anything on here because I don't know who reads it.

I'll say it anyway and if I pay the price, its a good price. 

 

I don't know if I love dan anymore. I don't know if I feel this way because I actually don't, or if because I feel its pointless to love him. God and my life is currently leading me away from california, and that in turn leads me away from Dan. But, I cant say anything to dan about this because if I do, its final. Theres no fixing it. Ive already made too many bad mistakes with him. He wouldn't forgive this one. The fact that I'm scared about if I want to take it back already tells me that I shouldn't say it at all. Its one of those decisions that I'm not sure about. When I make a decision, I always have a gut feeling in my body that tells me its right. I'll wait for that feeling to say anything.

 

Onto Garrett. He is my best friend in the entire world. I can spend an entire day with him and enjoy every minute of it. I really really loved this summer with him. I'd like to go back to that, but I know I can't. I'd have to sacrifice everything I worked to fix with Dan. But then again, Dan is 2000 miles away. What do I have to prove to him? I constantly feel like I have to prove something to him. I always stand up for myself, explain myself, blah blah blah. I shouldn't have to do that. I should be able to enjoy my senior year. He is holding me back. If I want to date, I will date. But I don't want to date. So.... its kinda pointless. I just want to have the option to date. I ant to date garrett. I think there's something entirely different between us. Something dan and I never even had. asdfjaiohfasfhaiosfh I'm so stressed. I just want to be happy.

 

Speaking of being happy

I'm entirely unhappy with my body. I'm fat. I'm disgusting. I just want to go back to how it was last december. I was perfect. I wish I could go back to that. Why can't I do that? I'm going to submerse myself in this lifestyle. I will not quit and I will not go back. I will fucking own this.

 Hello. I havent written in about 29 ages. I'm sitting here with garrett watching 24. I dont know whats going on. Thats why Im writing this. :) garrett is totally attractive. I know he's reading this. so I thought Id let him know that hes on my top 5 list of hottest boys ever. I just want to pounce on him.

New Years Eve 2000- Katie Gleghorn's house. Thats all I remember

New Years Eve 2001- First Annual "Sexy Seven" New Years Party. I liked Kyle Coats.

New Years Eve 2002- Second Annual "Sexy Seven" New Years Party. I was dating Marcus.

New Years Eve 2003- Lindsey Moore's house with Fagan and Caitlin. Met Matt Willimason.

New Years Eve 2004- Ashley's house with Dan and Gu watching OC Season 1. I also read the Da Vinci Code that night.

New Years Eve 2005- Got sick around 10 in the morning. Stayed in bed all day. Dan kept me company all night.

My new years eves are uneventful yet entirely memorable:) I feel bad because I was mean to dan last night. He was so sweet though. I yelled at him a lot. haha I get really grumpy when I'm sick. really. The only person I like is my dad. So, when I get sick and delirious, I scream "DAD" its great.

Mmmm soccer practice tomorrow at 8 am. I don't want to tell strahan I'm sick, but if I don't start feeling better, I'll have to. I havent eaten much. In fact, Ive lost 2 pounds already. For me, thats a lot haha.

 

BOOOOOOOO. I gotta lie down. Nice talking to you all ;-)

 

love to you

Sarah

 

[P E O P L E]

1. Best friend? -- Ashley, Liz, Anna
2. Best boyfriend/girlfriend? -- Dan
3. Lost any friends? yeah
4. Gained any friends? yeah
5. Met a new good friend? yeah

[P L A C E S]

1. Went out of the country? no
2. Moved? no
3. New school? no

4. How many times on an airplane? 2 I think
5. Road trips? one-ish

[Y O U]

1. Have you changed? yes
2. New look? yes
3. Any new additions? nope

4. Biggest conflict this year? Danny haha
5. Most depressed time this year? mmm last spring

[L O V E]

1. Did you fall in love? yes
2. Did you get heartbroken? kinda but it was mended :)
3. Who was your summer love? Danny's my year round love

[S E A S O N S]

1. Favorite Season? spring because of Track
2. Least favorite season? Fall because its boring 
3. Good birthday? no
4. Any snow this year? Nope
5. Highest temperature? 110 or something

[F I N A L Q U E S T I O N S]

snuck out- nope
Met a person who will change your life- yes yes
Completed your resolution- almost
Got arrested - nope
Liked someone who didn't like you - nope
Got bad grades - yeah
Got suspended - no
Moved states - no
Got a myspace- yes
Learned an instrument - no

Started a band - no
Spent over 1 million dollars- no
Went streaking- no
Done something you shouldn't have- yes
Kept a secret - yes
Told a secret- probably
Done something you totally regret- no

 

 

 

Mmm recap of my year. Boring I know... but it had to be done.

 

 

I'm sick so Im going to lie down.

I forgot about my journal. Crazy. I've almost had it for two years now. I'm sorry journal. I didnt mean to forget about you. Its not that I don't love you. I just.. have outgrown you. haha jk.

I'm thoroughly enjoying my break. Although it does not feel like a break yet. I'm still overwhelmed with stress from various sources. I am still exhausted and on autodrive. I have yet to recover from my numerous hours of lost sleep. My body refuses to let me sleep past 9, if I'm lucky.

I did some SAT stuff today, while camped out in my bathroom wtih the heater on. My stepmom has the thermostat set on 63. Yes, 63. I am not exaggerating. I weird my thermal socks and sweatshirt all day.

I've discovered that ankle weights could possibly be the greatest invention ever. I like to walk around my house in them. yay.

Did I mention that William is my Maryland pimp? I'm just kidding about the pimp part. So I guess "William is my Maryland"? Oh well.

William and I are now discussing bodily hair (ie mustaches, chest hair..) Mustaches look gross. They look dirty. trashy. and like you are about to rape me. So don't grow one. Unless you are over the age of 40. And/Or are mature enough to grow a full beard as well. But, I wouldn't advise it. Then you look like a woodsman about to chop my head off.

Things are well with me and Dan.

I had a good time with ashley last night haha. She did my makeup a crazy blue but somehow it managed to look pretty. Then I did hers. It turned out really pretty despite my original skepticism about my makeup skills. We then took 'glamour' shots.

So I hate precal. I talked to my sister about it today too. She said she took precal but decided to take stats instead of calculus because it was more logic based. Ahh. I agree. Precal is based on the concept "just because" whereas things such as stats or chemistry are based on "this is why.." boo precal. boo theories. boo trig. boo anything that is "just because"

Crazy that I am so logical yet my faith is so strong. I suppose that is all "just because". If I can accept that, why do I have a hard time accepting math? Who knows. But I love Jesus. and I will not question that. It doesnt bother me either. Precal bothers me. gross.

Mmm, I'm in need of a run. However, its cold. Im home alone. it would be risky. So I won't. I may go jump rope.

I go to Arizona really soon.

I can't wait to go to college and get to take classes specific to what I want to do. yay. Oh the joys of growing up. I cant wait to be on my own. I think I will be fantastic on my own. Im a very independent person. I think I can handle myself. I worry about some people being out on their own. The people that still depend on their parents to do everything for them.

The greatest invention? A machine that makes copies of people small enough to fit in your pocket. mmm. I agree.

My stepmom has started the cutest thing. She writes what is for dinner on a little "menu" sheet and places it on the counter. haha. I wonder what is for dinner tonight?

I want to play volleyball. I fear I shouldn't though. I may get hurt.

This guy invited me to hang out with him tonight. Weird because I should think I would be the last one he wanted to hang out with. Oh well. I don't have money to spend though. I fear that may inhibit my ability to hang out with him haha

Sad too, because my hair looks good today haha. Oh dear I am shallow.

Not really. I can't help that I only like hot guys. No Im just kidding. I dont like guys. I only like hot girls. No Im just kidding.

The purpose of the above paragraph, I am not sure. I was joking throughout but it was a superflous joke.. and not to mention not funny.

I don't think Im shallow. But my boyfriend is hot. haha why I am still talking about this?

Oh, I love my journal. I have not outgrown you dearest thing. I love you:)

Stare out the window
As the world passes by
You've got yours
And I've got mine

 

<sarah3